James & Tess Arendt
(Continued from part 1) "As charcoal to embers and as wood to fire, so is a quarrelsome man for kindling strife."--Proverbs 26:21.
When Voltaire arrived in England in 1727 he found the French were so unpopular, that he was in great danger when he walked the streets of London! One day during a walk, a crowd of angry citizens shouted, "Kill him! Hang the Frenchman!" Voltaire stopped, faced the furious crowd and cried, "My friends, have mercy! Am I not punished enough that I was not born an Englishman!" The crowd cheered wildly, and gave him safe escort back to his hotel!
(1) Remember, it takes two to make an argument! Never answer an angry word with an angry word. It's the second one that produces a quarrel! As they say, "It takes two to tango!" Refuse to involve yourself in the games of the critic, moralist, cynic or whoever tries to needlessly waste your time and energy in an argument! Some people get in the hottest arguments about the smallest trivial things! But it takes two people to play these games, and if you refuse to play the role, they have no one to argue with!
(2) Stay out of such conversations as: "No, I don't!"--"Yes, you do!"--"No, I don't!" Remember the proverb, "When an argument flares up, the wise man quenches it with silence!"
(3) Make delay your first strategy for avoiding a potential conflict. The first thing to do when someone acts negatively toward you or gets angry is to keep your cool! The best initial reaction you can give is to ask the other person what he means. You may not have heard or understood him correctly. Then, if you decide that you are indeed being attacked, ask yourself these questions: "Is it really in my own best interests to answer tit for tat? Is getting angry the most effective thing I can do? What will my anger accomplish?" If you take time to think and pray about a situation before you react to it, you will avoid many unnecessary skirmishes! "A man's wisdom postpones his anger; it is to his glory to overlook an offense."--Proverbs 19:11.
(4) Form the habit of closing your mouth when angry. "Even a fool is thought wise if he keeps silence, & discerning if he holds his tongue."--Proverbs 17:28. The best thing you can do is to listen. Then ask questions, so you can find out what the other person's view is before replying. If you tell him what you think first and give him your opinion, you may suddenly find yourself at odds with him, and lose all possibilities of getting your point across! Give the other person a chance to talk, and let him finish. Don't interrupt! Don't start resisting, defending or debating. This only raises barriers! Try to build bridges of understanding!
(5) Be endlessly patient when faced with an argument. Keep your emotions and impulses firmly under control! Control your temper. Remember, you can measure the size of a person by what makes him angry! "A hot-tempered man stirs up dissension, but a patient man calms a quarrel."--Proverbs 15:18.
(6) When another person is angry, the worse thing you can do is to say, "Now don't get angry!" When you say this, it has just the opposite effect! Instead, try saying as gently as you can, "I'm sorry, something is making you angry? If it's me, I apologize! What can I do to help?"
(7) Remember also that our spirits are contagious! If we show the right spirit and the right attitude--peaceful, trusting, patient and restful, full of faith--this is how others will react. But if we get flustered and impatient and ranting and raving and sharp-tempered and sharp-tongued, this is apt to be the same way that others will also answer us, sad to say!
What do you do if you find yourself caught up in an argument? How do you take control of a heated discussion that is fast flaring up into an all-out brawl? Here are some tried and proven ways:
Carl Rogers, the famous psychologist, suggested the following technique for resolving misunderstandings: "Before either person can make a point, he must first re peat the opinion of the other person, to that person's satisfaction. This rule forces each person to listen to the other party and have to try to understand his point of view! The discussion then tends to become less emotional and the opponents find themselves doing more thinking and listening! The more rational people become, the greater are the chances for an agreeable solution!"
Stay on the subject! Always try to discover exactly what you are arguing about and stay on that subject! Don't bring in matters that are irrelevant or unimportant. At times you may have to say something like, "Let's stop this conversation and really see what it is we're arguing about. You start again, and I will listen. Perhaps I have misunderstood something!"
Watch your volume! Most of us tend to raise our voices during serious discussions! When we do this, we are really saying, "I can't get through to you in a normal voice because you seem to be deaf to what I say. So I will turn up the volume!" Raising our voice puts others on the defense and can even convey that we have lost control of our temper or the situation. Don't use criticism to be a comedian! While it's true that a joke or a dry remark might relieve the tension in some disagreements, it's always best to use humor with care. Questions to ask yourself before using humor are: "Will this increase tension, or relieve it?"--"Can I laugh at myself, or am I just trying to poke fun at the other person?"--"Am I trying to win points for my side with cute remarks?" Never try to be funny by criticizing someone else.
Don't exaggerate. It's very tempting to add more weight to our point of view by altering the facts or "dressing them up a little bit." This will only exasperate the situation and make matters worse!--Especially if the other person knows you are exaggerating! Then they'll be convinced you're wrong about everything!
Attack the problem, not each other! Do your best to keep the discussion impersonal. Try to attack the problem instead of attacking each other with innuendos, slurs and "smart" remarks.
Emphasize things you agree on! Don't emphasize the things on which you differ! Keep emphasizing that you are both striving for the same end and your only difference is one of method and not purpose! Dwell on the positive, not the negative! Discuss the things you have in common, not just your differences, and try to establish as many points in common as possible instead of picking out the flaws! Get the other person agreeing and saying, "yes, yes", and immediately he'll find it much harder to say "no"!
Be willing to compromise! One of the most important trips a man can make is to meet the other fellow half-way! When the conversation is deadlocked, see if you can change the subject, or find a different way to approach the problem. Perhaps a compromise would work that recognizes all points of view, or a way that lets someone give in and change his opinion without losing face!
Have the humility to back down, even if you still think you're right and the other person is wrong. The famous Swiss reformer, Zwingli, learned a lesson along this line from two goats he saw making their way over a narrow path on a steep mountain in the Alps. One was ascending the trail, the other descending. Zwingli noticed that they must pass at a point where the trail was so narrow that there was room for only one goat.
The animals rounded a turn in the path which brought them in full view of each other. They backed up, as though ready to charge one another, and then the most amazing thing happened! The goat on the trail below knelt down in the path, while the goat above him walked over his back. The first animal then arose and continued his journey up the trail.
The noblest thing you can do in an argument is to have the humility to be the one to back down. Don't be afraid to say something like, "Let's stop, because I'm saying things I don't really mean and I don't want this to happen!" "It is to a man's honor to cease from strife, but a fool can't stop quarrelling."--Proverbs 2O:3.
If you're wrong, admit it! Say something like, "You know, I do think I am to blame here. I'm sorry that I said that, and that I hurt you! What can I do now to make up for this?" When you honestly own up to knowing that you're wrong, and that the other person is right, you improve communication a thousandfold and deepen your relationship with that person! Anyone can try to defend his or her mistakes, but it takes Godly humility to admit your mistakes, "to confess your faults one to another"!--James 5:16. And if the other person wants to let off a last bit of steam and continue to chide you for a little while more--as sometimes happens--humbly agree or restate your error or keep silence, whatever is appropriate.--"Yielding pacifies (even) great anger" (Ecclesiastes 1O:4), and they'll soon be won over and lose all their hard feelings towards you.
If you find yourself refereeing an argument, and you have to express an opinion, pray and think carefully, and before speaking ask yourself, "what is right?", not "who is right?" During the American Civil War, Abraham Lincoln was asked whether he thought God was on his side. Lincoln replied that God was on the side of the right, and hopefully, so was the Union!
In almost every case, no side is always all right and the other all wrong. There's almost always some good and bad on both sides!--But it takes wisdom, discernment and humility to be able to see that.
Don't get involved in other people's arguments! Proverbs 26:17 says, "Like one who seizes a dog by the ears, so is a passer-by who meddles in a quarrel not his own!"
Even if you were right, take the initiative to forgive and forget! When it is appropriate, always ask for forgiveness! In the Bible, we're told to admit our faults to one another and pray for each other!--James 5:16. Also, when the other person confesses their faults and admits error, be sure to tell him or her of your forgiveness! Proverbs 17:9 says, "He who covers over an offense, promotes love!"
Never hold grudges! Colossians 3:13 says that we should "be gentle and ready to forgive; never hold grudges"! Some people "bury the hatchet" but never forget where! If you find it hard to forgive, remind yourself that it takes a lot of energy to hold a grudge, and that there is great freedom in forgiveness.
You can suggest that you pray together after an argument. It is hard to hold bad feelings about someone you pray with!
To keep your marriage brimming
With love in the loving cup,
Whenever you're wrong, admit it;
Whenever you're right, shut up!
--Ogden Nash
Sadly, it's human nature that we often hurt most the ones we love the most and are the closest to. People who are married often argue with their partner more than with anyone else! If you're having problems with arguing in your marriage, then of course all the above pointers will apply. But here are some extra tips:
Opera tenor Jan Pierce, after being married nearly 50 years, said: "My wife and I made an agreement long ago, and we've kept it no matter how angry we've grown with each other! When one is letting off steam, the other should listen--because when two people are peeved and trying to get their point across at the same time, there is no communication, just noise and bad vibrations!"
Do not walk out in the middle of an argument. And, "never let the sun go down upon your wrath!"--Ephesians 4:26.
Continually remind yourself of all the positive things about your partner! List all of their good qualities, the reasons for which you married him/her in the first place. Then put the list in your wallet or purse and go over it every time you get irritated with him/her!
"Whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable--if anything has any virtue or is praiseworthy--think about these things!"--Philippians 4:8.
One wife who admitted that she constantly criticized her husband and caused almost daily quarrels, gives this advice: "After praying that God would stop our arguing, He showed me that He is the Author of my husband's personality, and that what I viewed as faults are really the means God uses to make me cling closer to Him for solutions! Since then I've begun to trust God, through my prayers, that He is able to make any alterations to my husband if they are needed!"
If you have a major discussion on an important topic coming up, try to arrange a time and place where you won't be interrupted.--For instance, after the children have gone to bed, and not during dinner.
Parents do not usually succeed in hiding disagreements and arguments from their children. Let them know that you do disagree sometimes and that all family members will have times of disagreement. But it's nothing that can't be resolved through quiet discussion and prayer. Keep in mind that your children will learn their pattern for disagreeing and arguing from you!
To have a few occasional personality clashes is understandable, but love never fails, and these should be healed through humility, love and the oil of God's Spirit!
Marriage should be as equal as possible, and as sharing as possible. You should talk together, pray together, love together, discuss together and then decide and agree together! But when it comes to having the last word, if he's a Christian and is trying to serve the Lord and do what's right, the husband is the boss when it comes to decisions about the home and family. God's Word clearly says that women should obey their husbands.--Ephesians 5:22-24,33; 1Corinthians 11:3,8-9; 1Peter 3:1,5-6. If most Christian wives would do this, there would be a lot less fusses, disagreements and arguments! And if you can't trust your husband, at least you can trust the Lord!
In fact, you both have to trust the Lord if you're going to have peace, unity and harmony in the home! If you can't trust your wife or your husband, at least trust the Lord and He'll work things out somehow!
James goes on to say, "Don't they come from your lusts and desires that battle within you? You want something, but don't get it...so you quarrel and fight."--James 4:1-2. So greediness and selfishness can be one of the root causes of arguing, trying to get the things you selfishly want.
Other arguments are caused by pride. Proverbs 13:1O says, "Only by pride come quarrels, but wisdom is found in those who take advice."
Also, as we've clearly seen, many arguments are caused by self-righteousness.--Pushing your point, thinking that you're so right, putting yourself up and the other person down by contradicting them!
And what it all boils down to is a lack of love! Arguing isn't the real problem, it's just a symptom!--A lack of love is the real problem! That's one of the major lessons that the Lord wants us to learn--how to love people, how to work with them, how to treat them, how to give the other person the advantage and the benefit of the doubt, how to build them up unselfishly, instead of selfishly tearing them down through contention and argument! All this is a part of learning to love, to put ourselves in other people's shoes, to "do unto others as you would have them do unto you!"--Matthew 7:12.
So pray and ask Jesus to give you more love, and help you to overcome the habit of arguing! It will help if you try to apply all the practical pointers that are covered in this article, but only Jesus can really give you the spiritual solutions and change your heart and spirit and fill you with His Spirit of Love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control.--Galatians 5:22. Only He can give you the strength and grace to love and not to argue!--So stay close to Him!
My name is James Arendt. I was raised in the Hegewisch neighborhood of Chicago, Illinois, served in the USAF from 1970 to 1974, and became a full-time missionary for Christ living 40 years in Japan, 3.5 years in Russia, and a few months in other countries such as Finland, Poland, Estonia, Latvia, South Korea, Taiwan and mainland China where I also served the King of Kings, Jesus, as an Ambassador for His Kingdom. My full bio.
If you like this website, you can show your appreciation by sending me a gift toward my support. My wife Tess and I moved from the island of Guam USA in June 2023 to the city of Allen in the province of Northern Samar, one of the poorer provinces in the Philippines. My only work is maintaining my websites, Deep Truths, and James Japan which costs me $300 per year now. And Tess is ministering to the local people giving them regular Bible Studies in three groups, children, teenagers and adults.
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